(Welcome ICLW bloggers!)
My yoga teacher said on Monday that yoga practice is about three things: effort, letting go, and observation about how that balance is working, how we feel in the midst of that cycle (without trying to change the feeling--just noticing it, and accepting it). If only I could learn how to do the second and third of those things as well as I do the first.
I have thrown myself into cooking again to drown out the cacophony of pregnancy announcements this week, three on a single day. One from a neighbor down the block with a little boy Ian's age, who is now expecting her fourth child. Another from a colleague who runs a mom's group at work, who has thoughtfully spaced her second child two years from her first, because isn't that what everyone does? Another from one of the support staff members at work, whose daughter I worked with, and who is expecting her first.
I am happy for these women. They are good people, and they deserve joy. But every time I hear another announcement, I feel incomplete, flawed, empty all over again. Hard as I try, I can't seem to quiet those voices in my head. How long will it take for them to go away?
Next week, I have an appointment with a new endocrinologist. Not an RE, not yet. I'm anxious about it. What if he says I'm fine, despite the constellation of symptoms that suggest I'm still not being treated for thyroid issues? I fear trying again without a new treatment for an old diagnosis, both because I fear loss, and because I fear the disappointment of a non-event. But I also fear the journey into reproductive endocrinology. Can I just be happy with the beautiful little boy I have? Is this the universe's way of telling me that I should spend more time paying attention to him before I am gifted with another child?
Today is Earth Day, and I am celebrating by practicing letting go (not to be confused with "if you'd just relax, maybe it would happen, which the ICLW folks know works really well, right?!): balancing my effort with surrender to the new life that is everywhere around me. Young asparagus, fragrant flowering trees, chives in the window box on our deck. I made this frittata as a nod to spring and to this renewal. It's another one of those recipes that is very flexible; you can substitute just about anything seasonal (preferably local), and change the cheese and seasoning to your taste.
Abhyasa. Effort.
Vairagya. Letting go.
Svadhyaya. Self study and observation.
May we all seek a little better balance.
Leek and Asparagus Frittata2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup chopped leeks (white and pale green parts only)
1 12-ounce bunch thin asparagus, trimmed, cut on diagonal into 1-inch pieces (about 2 1/2 cups)
1 cup sliced mushrooms (shiitake, baby bella, or regular)
6 large eggs
2 egg whites
3/4 cup diced Fontina or jack cheese, divided
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
Preheat broiler. Heat olive oil in heavy broilerproof 10-inch-diameter nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add leeks and sauté 4 minutes. Add asparagus and shiitake mushrooms, sprinkle lightly with salt, and sauté until tender, about 6 minutes. Whisk eggs, 2/3 cup Fontina cheese, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper in medium bowl. Add egg mixture to skillet; fold gently to combine. Cook until almost set. Sprinkle remaining remaining Fontina cheese and Parmesan cheese over. Broil until frittata is puffed and cheese begins to turn golden, about 3 minutes. Cut into wedges and serve.
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