The following is an email I sent to Rebecca yesterday. She read it last night in bed. I told her I didn't want any reaction or comment because I know she's not comfortable discussing things like this at the same pace as I am. That's okay, I just wanted her to read it and understand it.
Dear Sweets,
It's important to me that you spend some quiet time reading this without myself or the kids distracting you. I wanted to get it out there, since, as you know, I tend to think about these things.
I understand that you may not be in the same frame of mind as me. I just want you to be prepared mentally, just in case you find yourself in a situation where things do start to move forward.
Because I understand how men think, and I know you're shy about addressing these things, I thought I would suggest a few ground rules for you to lay out there for G (and for us). I'm going to get into a few things here that you may or may not have thought about, and they may make you a little uncomfortable, but I just think it's better I lay it out now, so we're on the same page.
Finally, after this very long introduction, a lot of the following is way beyond where we are now, and may very well be beyond where we will ever go, but as such, it's easier for me to broach now. Bear with me.
1. He's in an unhappy marriage. That's a given. He's assuming that you are too. It should be made clear to him that you're actually very happy with your husband, and that you're not looking to find someone to replace me. Word it however you want, even mention that we have an "understanding" if you need to. I would avoid mentioning it's a one way arrangement, since it would give him too much info about us( and me in particular).
2. Any suggestion that he makes about you leaving me for him would be grounds for you to stop seeing him. It might help for him to know this in advance, so he avoids it.
3.The same goes for him falling in love with you. I can already hear you laughing about this, saying I'm crazy, but I know how wonderful you are. It will become apparent to him the more time you spend together.
4. He should also know you won't stand for any derogatory comments about you and I, or me in particular. Hopefully, he's smart enough to recognize the opportunity to spend time with you (however small you view it) and respect it enough to be gratious.
5. I want you to have fun and enjoy being turned on by the thought of him wanting you. This means (and again you'll laugh), that if something physical starts to happen, you should let it if(and only if) you desire it. All I need is for you to share it with me as soon as possible afterwards. I'll be going crazy (in a good way) while you're on your date, and my relief will come when you're back in my arms and telling me how much you love me.
6. I know you would be shy about this sort of thing, and it's this shyness that would influence you to not tell me every detail. Believe me when I say how much I want to hear every detail... what you ordered, what the waiter said, if he touched your hand, arm, played footsies, whatever. Especially things like how you felt, if you wanted to kiss him, if you did...all of it. It's this detail that makes it enjoyable for me.
Please trust me when I promise you that I won't be upset at anything physical that happens as long as you share it with me.
7. This is one I know you'll definitely say I'm crazy for mentioning, but I may as well get it out there. I recognize we're in new territory here, and that I'm crazy for allowing or even wanting this. I love you for how stable you are, and I consider myself the luckiest man on earth to have won your love like I have. But if, at any time,you at all start feeling any twinge of love for him or any other man, I would rely on your judgement to end it(with him, haha). Sorry, I know this isn't at all relevant, but I thought I should get it out there.
8. This one is important. If you ever feel like you want this to stop, or you want to take a break from this "freedom", just say the word. I'll understand and keep it as a fantasy. Again, I trust your judgement.
Finally, I have a couple of rules that I'll abide by.
1. You have my word as your husband that I will never hold anything you do against you. I promise that in the future, if we're having a disagreement about anything, I will not bring any of this up. I love you and I accept this was my idea.
2. I'll never push you into anything you're not comfortable with. I trust your judgement better than my own, and I only want you to do what gives you pleasure. I am offering as much or as little freedom as you choose to exercise, guilt-free. You're an amazing wife, and you deserve it.
That's all I can think of for now. You may want to add a couple under my category.
I don't want to freak you out with this, I just wanted to get it out there. If you prefer, consider it "rules for a 30 year plan", or a "fantasy plan" that may never happen. I just wanted to lay it out there so you could chose to move forward, or not, at your own pace.
I love you, always.
Me
I didn't want to overwhelm her, but I felt I needed to get that all out.
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