Inventing Fatherhood: Caldo de Perro

I had intended to post something for Father's Day, and then Father's Day came and went.  But I've been thinking about how we celebrate fatherhood in this country, especially after reading (thanks to the Prompt-ly list and some Facebook friends) the recent NYTimes article about a single woman whose sperm donor is a friend who now lives part-time with her and her son (the other half of the time he lives with his partner), and goes by the title "uncle."  There are a host of issues about secrecy and identity that I could talk about here (e.g. how one tells a child where he/she comes from), but I will leave those for another blogger to tackle.  What I was struck by was how the labels we have for the people who shape the lives of our children, and the celebration of those contributions, are woefully inadequate, especially given the way families vary now.

I come from a family that is pretty "traditional" according to most standards: a dad, a mom, both of them my biological parents.   And yet, when I was growing up, there were a host of other really important parental figures in my life.  If we're just talking about male figures, there are at least two: my high school friend's father, whom I referred to as "Dad," gave me the kind of open affection that my own father could not.  Twenty years later, though he lives an hour away, he baked a big pan of pasta for us when N. was born, and had his daughter deliver it.  I'd ask him for parenting advice in a heartbeat.  My high school English teacher, though he was a little more avuncular, was the kind of confidante I had always wanted in a father figure.  He made it possible for me to survive high school with my self-esteem intact, and gave me a safe haven to escape to when I needed it.  I felt like I had a safety net in that relationship that I didn't feel I had at home.

The family arrangement described in the NY Times article is imperfect.  But what family arrangement--even the traditional one-mother one-father household--is?  Fatherhood (and motherhood, for that matter) is a construct that we've invented--a problematic one, at that, given how we put parents on pedestals--and what really matters is that our children feel loved, have role models and caregivers of both genders, and have parents who are supported in the important work of nurturing the next generation.

Did you know that Children’s Day observations in the United States (during which parents are also celebrated) predate both Mother's and Father's Day,  though a permanent annual single Children's Day observation is not made at the national level?  And there is a Parent's Day, celebrated on the 4th Sunday of July, signed into law by President Clinton in 1994?  (Interesting aside: U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said that "Replacing Mother's Day and Father's Day with a Parents' Day should be considered, as an observance more consistent with a policy of minimizing traditional sex-based differences in parental roles."

It's funny.  As I was mulling over this post, I realized that I miss the person I wish my father might have become.  In a way, the longer he's been gone, the more I invent him.  It's not that I don't have good memories, or that I don't appreciate what he gave me when he raised me.  It's just that my relationship with him didn't follow the Hallmark script, and certainly didn't involve barbecue, beer, a tie, and a lounge chair by the TV set.  (Actually, scratch that ... there was  a recliner in front of the TV set.  But the TV was playing Sabado Gigante.)  And that he wasn't the only one who made me who I am.

So here's to important men in our lives everywhere.  Not just the biological fathers, or the adoptive ones, but the men who mentor us, who hold our hands as we take our first and four hundredth steps, who make sacrifices for us, who teach us and scold us.  It doesn't matter, in the end, I think, what name they go by ... what matters is that they were there.

Caldo de Perro 
(a recipe my father would have liked more than barbecue, made for me by some good friends just before I had N.)

1 T. olive oil
2 onions, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
grated zest 1 orange
4 c. fish stock
1 1/2 lb. firm white fish, chunked
8 small new potatoes, halved
4 c. spinach
1/2 c. orange juice
1/4 c. lime juice


Boil potatoes

Saute onion in oil for 5-7 min. Add garlic and zest for 3 min. Add stock and boil/simmer for 10 min. Add fish and simmer until opaque

Put potatoes in bowl, will slotted spoon, transfer fish to bowls. Add greens and lime juice to broth until wilted. Season and pour into bowls.