In Theory

On the way home from work the other day, Rebecca and I were discussing my current theory of why I have this desire for her to be with another man.

I had read recently that men who want their wives to explore often have been exposed to a cheating wife or girlfriend early in their sexual development.

Looking back, in my case, I started dating a girl in early high school. She wasn't my "first", but she became my "most". We dated for a year or so, starting when I was seventeen and we definitely had our ups and downs. I was her first, but she quickly became versed in the ways of manipulating men.

She lived in a town about a fifteen minute drive from mine, so that meant even at our young age, we often spent the night at each other's place. I recall one night I particular, when I drove out to see her. Her mom informed me that she was on her way back from another city about an hour drive, but that she had car trouble. It was late, and as I had done it countless times before, I stayed at her place awaiting her return.

She didn't arrive until the next morning, having spent the night at a male friend's place. At the time, it was cleverly explained to myself and her mom as a necessity. That night was my first exposure to that feeling. I was certain more happened than she told me.

Over the course of that relationship, there were several times where she did a similar thing. She always having the perfect excuse to prove her innocence.

Looking back, it's clear to me she was cheating. It was the first time I spent a night with that pit of anxiety in my stomach.

Back then, the feeling was anything but pleasurable. Now with Rebecca, it's quite the opposite.

Now, over twenty years later, Rebecca and I have a special connection with each other I believe is very rare.

We're a couple who has been together almost constantly for around eighteen years, and we still can't get enough of each other. It's because of this that I am comfortable with Rebecca exploring her sexuality.

Unlike my high school girlfriend, Rebecca won't betray me. She's quite unwilling to allow herself to "cheat" with anyone, even though she has permission.

Several months ago, I experienced that pit in my stomach when I discovered that Rebecca had been texting with G more than she let on. In fact, I wrote at the time that I actually threw up from the stress of it. I can smile now, as I know how much of an overreaction it was on my part. Looking back, I realize how much of a turn on it was to discover she was branching out.

Fortunately or unfortunately, my Rebecca is not the type to totally indulge me. It's impossible to explain to those who don't understand it.

I know she will control the situation quite carefully. It's under her watchful eye, that I can both indulge and practice restraint. It's a strange dichotomy.

Unlike my former girlfriend, I know that if Rebecca ever fully indulged in her freedom, I wouldn't lose her. We have reached a level of strength and maturity I never had when I was young, and few have at any age.