Rebecca is still having a difficult time with this. She's extremely sad, which I can certainly understand. I feel I need to comfort her, but as bad as it sounds , part of me doesn't want to at times. She is a strong woman, so it's strange to see her wrestle with this sadness.
I still have my thoughts which could only be characterized as whining. I feel guilty for being so selfish when she's so sad. I feel I have been thoroughly ripped off. I got to experience all the bad feelings of her affair without any of the things I wanted when we started down this path. She was worried about causing pain. She can't understand that doled out by the hand of a loving, honest wife, a little pain can be leveraged into a good thing. When I get to discover it all on my own, it sucks.
I still feel like I'm lacking a full confession. Her sorrow is of course keeping her from that, but I feel it's only going to make us to bury this. If it gets buried, my thought right now is I haven't got my wife back.
In truth, I'm feeling right now that she stopped being mine the first day she lied about him. It wasn't the sex part. The first time she felt she needed to hide the truth from me marked the day she put him and her ahead of her and I. From that point on, our marriage stopped. Our bond had been broken. It's been broken for over a year and I didn't know it. That is the pain of a real affair.
I wonder what would have happened if I had confronted her differently? If I had offered her one chance and only one chance to come clean, would she have taken it? Right now I think she would have kept denying it.
Finally, when we had our fireside chat again last night, she reiterated how she didn't love him. That she cared, but it was really just a no strings attached fling. I told her how ironic it was since that was what I wanted for her from the beginning.
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