On the Road

I'm heading to another city for the day with work, fortunate enough to be riding in the passengers seat. Some time to kill.

Last night we had a long discussion, hopefully one of many to come. The last few days have been a strange mix of emotions. She has been a wreck at work, spending a large portion of the last two days crying in a washroom stall. To say I've been distracted would be an understatement, but I'm fortunate enough to be able to dump my workload on my staff with the simple explanation that I will be distracted for awhile.

I want to clarify a few things in my own mind about the last few days. I can't remember if it was Monday or Tuesday.. The day of the "how to get your husband home" post.. I discovered an email account for Rebecca I never knew about.

In the account I found emails dating as far back as last December, sometimes several a day. Several referenced "being inside her" and candy references for blowjobs, etc. She wrote
about getting lost in his eyes etc.

I was in panic mode as I was reading it. I expected to read how she planned to leave me. I didn't find that. It was all what you would expect two people In the start of a relationship to be like. It reminded me of when Rebecca and I started dating. The idea of "New Relationship Energy" has been discussed in detail on other forums.

It's clear that they are/were in the throes of it. In truth, I had been prepared for years for the possibility she might fall into it. I just expected, naively mind you, that I would be "there" to help her through it.

It was all a bit if a blur, but when I confronted her I led with something stupid like," you know how you say divorce is never an option? Well it can be."

I went on to try to give her one chance to come clean by asking if there was anything she wanted to tell me about her and G. She said no. I gave her a couple of quotes from her emails before I left for the office.

When I got there, I sat at my desk and
had to start reading the emails again. As I went through them, I printed and read. I took the stack of prints and put them in a large envelope and put them away.

This is where it gets a little strange. As I read the emails, I couldn't help but get aroused. I was tempted to relieve myself, but I thought there was no way in hell I would be one of "those" husbands. One where he is relegated to his hand while his wife gets her kicks.

I remember driving home, and climbing the stairs and actually thinking that I may have to rape my own wife. She was in our room ironing her clothes for the next morning when I walked in. She turned, came over to me and I grabbed her hard and kissed her. She kissed me hard back, and I reached between her legs and pushed my finger inside of her.

We quickly stripped each other and I lifted her onto the bed. I was inside her in no time. The night was a strange night of different emotions. Anger, lust, sadness, all entwined with our love. I can't begin to define it with words. It was amazing, yet horrible. She cried on and off through it all, knowing how she had betrayed me, us. I didn't cry. It would be the next day before I allowed that. That night was about.... Reassertion? One last night before I left her? I didn't know. All in all, I came in her six times, something I haven't done in almost twenty years.

The next morning, she kissed me when she left, and as soon as she left I started reading the emails again. It was probably a mistake to do so, but I couldn't help it. I realized once again how long she had been fooling me. How long she had been lying. She texted me on her way into work:


R: I love you and am so sorry.

I can't believe how long this was going on for. I feel like an idiot for not knowing. I think you do love him. Sorry. Bad time for me.

R: I am not in love with him. I care, but it's not love.

This went on too long for it not to be love. I gave you so many chances to talk to me about it. You lied to my face over and over. You don't keep that from someone you love. He has that role now.

R: Don't say this. Please.
I will do anything not to lose you. I can't lose us.

I'm the one left standing without anything.

R: We have our life together.

This wasn't a one night stand, or five night stand. You sent him more love notes over a year than you've ever given to me. I was dying for you to treat me like that.
It was a bare faced lie that went on until you had no choice but to tell the truth, and even then you give me bits and pieces. I love you but our trust is dead. I need to figure that part out.
I wondered how long it would take for you to change your password. That tells me a lot.

R: I am going to close that account. I'm done with it. It's not a game anymore.
please don't think without me being with you. I need to be with you and somehow process this together. I love you.

I didn't even know I was playing.

R: It was a game to me.

It didn't sound like it to me.

R: I can't lose you. Do you love me? Do you want to be married to me?

I just need time.

R: I will give you anything you need.

Tell him it's done. If he texts, emails, or even looks at you from across the street, I have 50 pages of emails I'll send to his wife and his office.

R: I will tell him and include you on the note.

Don't meet him in person.

R: I won't.

R: How were the kids?

They're great.

R: They are. Are you still ok to give me the car so that I can pick them up at 1?

The mkx is at home.

R: Ok

Still thinking?

R: Yes. Stressed, cold. Regret.
Nightmare.

Why? Because you can't decide?

R: No, it's never been about a choice or decision. You are who I want to be with.

What would you do if you were me? I'm at a loss.

R: I would be mad beyond belief, but I want to grow old with you so I would do what it took to right things. I would also stop with the hw thing.

R: ?

We've certainly shown we can't handle that.

R: I am so sorry for hurting you.

I know
How is her appt?

R: Drops are in so now we wait for 20 mins
Let me know what doc says.

R: I will. I sent you a picture of her big eyes.

R: Status quo for her eyes
How is your seminar?

Done. Just walking

R: Where are you walking to? I am at the school waiting for the bell.

Everything good I've felt over the last 20 years feels erased.

R: We can get through this. Please. Don't let my stupidity destroy us.
It was my stupidity.
You trusted me and I fucked up.
I love yoi.
You
I love you.

--next day-

Mornings suck

R: All day has been sucking for me.
The bathroom stall has become my friend.

It will get better.

R: I am hanging onto that.


All I want is for us to know each other completely, not just what we want the other to see. Otherwise we're in love with fake people.
I don't know if that makes sense.

R: It does and I am trying. I'm thinking I don't even know myself.


That's just it. I want to discover each other together. I know you thought you were this perfect wife and Catholic girl. You're not. I already knew it because it's an impossible ideal. Just be imperfect with me. I'm very good at being imperfect back :)

R: I know I am far from perfect. I will try to be imperfect together.


There is no "try". Either you're in this or not. Can you tell I'm having a bad moment?

R: I am in it. I won't lose you.

If he contacts you, I need to know. Not to pull the trigger on the courier, but for our own transparency. Any contact I don't know about is just a continuation of your affair.

R: I will tell you if he does. He hasn't since the one I sent to you yesterday. It's done.

Thank you.

R: I will do what it takes to fix what I broke.


Not only if, but "what". Unedited. That's where things went sideways with us. Half truths and selective memory almost finished us. They still could.


R: Unedited would be actual emails which you would get. I would forward anything to you.

I didn't mean to imply you would edit the email. I just meant that I'm thinking back to the positive spin you put on our conversations to keep me from knowing. I'm sorry. I'll try not to keep throwing this in your face. It's hard. I'm angry and hurt.

R: I know you are and I deserve it.
I'm going into a meeting now so will be offline for an hour. Please know how sorry I am.

I know.

R: I hate this.

Yup. I need to know some reason for hiding it from me. You must have had a rationale considering I gave you every possible chance to be honest with me.
Where/how was it going to end up? Would you have left me? Would you have stopped seeing him on your own and just let it fade from your memory?
You don't need to answer now.
Are you there?
?
I tried calling. I need to know you're okay.
--I was worried about her at this point--

R: I am here. I went for lunch and left my phone on my desk. I don't know why this happened. It was never something that would go on. I can't talk to you right now because I will start crying.

R: I know you gave me every chance, I just didn't have the courage. I didn't want to go through this. Obviously I was a fool. Leaving you was never a thought. Not even once.


Okay. Don't scare me like that. I don't like not hearing back from you.

R: I was having a bad time and needed to leave the bb.

R: Have you eaten? I picked away at a salad roll.

I have a sub sitting on my desk. Haven't opened it yet.

R: I'm sitting in a bathroom stall.

Don't text me then.. I don't want to keep you in there all day :)
I'll try to not fire my thought at you as much.

R: I want you to. I deserve this.

No you don't.

R: I do and if it helps I will take it.

At my next seminar.

R: Are you wearing your wedding ring?

I know it's juvenile, but I took it off today. It's not as a sign that I'm through with anything. It's just a reminder right now.

R: The kids changed their mind about skating so you don't have to rush.

--today--

R: I love you.

I love you too. It's a better morning today.

R: Thank you. And not just for that, but for everything.

You don't need to thank me.


------//

Through all of this, we have continue to have sex... Strange as it seems. My hurt is less about the physical nature of the relationship and more about the deceit. I think my years of wanting the physical part for her takes that edge off, albeit not completely. I can't imagine how a "normal" husband would handle this.

The second night after knowing was more intimate, although still with tears when she answered yes when I asked if he came in her.

Last night was one step better. I asked her what the lollipop reference was with him while we kissed and if she gave him a blowjob. She said yes and I asked if she swallowed and she answered truthfully yes. She asked if I wanted one and started to lick and suck me.

It may have been too soon, or maybe her asking came across as too "you get one because he had one." I pulled her back up to me and we made love the old fashioned way.

She probably won't be entirely comfortable with me putting this out there, but it's really my only form of therapy, and I have a little goodwill built up.

She had said she is done with this HW thing, but I told her not to rule anything out. We agreed that however we move forward, it will be together. I still have some doubts, but hopefully they will fade over time as we rebuild our trust.