Today

Note: thanks for your comments/thoughts and emails. I'm dumping my thoughts on here, not because I want a dialogue with anyone, I just need to vent, and I have no one to talk to. Feel free to comment, I just won't be responding. Thanks for your understanding.


Tuesday

Today

I go through thoughts of wanting to leave. Then I think if I did, she would go back to him. That shouldn't be a reason to stay.

I want to leave her to punish her. I think it's not a good enough reason.

I think of when they were together and wonder what I was doing at the time.

She stopped wanting to go out for drinks with him even with my encouragement. She started seeing him without my knowledge, even though she could have seen him with me knowing. Why? Who does that? Was it too weird that I knew, or would have known? Was it more "normal" for her to haves an affair behind my back? Still feeling like a fool for lots of things.

I told other people I chatted with online that she dates but there's nothing going on sexually because she tells me everything. I said she's not interested in sex with other men because SHE TOLD ME AND I BELIEVED HER. I was so confident that I knew her.

Nights are better. Mornings are bad.

How long would this have gone on? Until she left me for him. Like other women I have known, she denied it right up until the point of being faced with overwhelming evidence. Like a common criminal, or a five year old.

The day gets worse. I took off my ring again today in a silent kind of protest.


It's 8:30, the kids are at school. I have to get motivated to get to work. I'm already drained.

Maybe I need some time away.

I am sure that at times with him she must have thought about leaving me.

I think she hid this to keep the illusion that she was a loving wife and "good" girl. She couldn't accept that it's okay to get turned on, etc. to the point where it became a huge lie. She would ignore then hide any thought or discussion about sex with another man, then she would go out and get fucked by him.

All the pictures she ever sent me were for him first. I would tell her she should send them to him. She would lie and say she's not comfortable doing that, when, in reality, I was the afterthought.
To be honest, I wouldn't have minded her sending them to me after. "look what I sent G" would have worked wonders. Instead she lied to make me feel special. That's what kills me.

It just hit me that I'm sure he saw her boudoir pics. I offered to her that she should show him. She said she couldn't because they were for me. Another lie, I'm sure.

She says she has loved/loves only me. That she doesn't want to lose everything.

I was so sure of her.

It isn't the sex, I relished the thought of it. It's the fact that we have been living this lie for the last year at least. That she intentionally hid it from me.

She still hasn't given me a reason for hiding it. I can guess the reasons, but if she can't tell me or talk about it, we're no better off than when she was having the affair.

Nothing to lose now.

It's 10am. I need to go to work.

All the times we were together. Vegas, Florida, wine country. She was emailing him continuously. All she had to do was tell me.